I Ain't No Faux

It's official: fall is upon us and the forecast calls for an abundance of faux fur.

Thanks to Celebrity Stylist Rachel Zoe and her new QVC line, fashionistas and starlets everywhere are sporting her $80 faux fur vest from the sold-out-in-ten-minutes Rachel Zoe collection. Those who weren't quick enough with their digits have been reduced to bidding furiously on Ebay to own one at three times the price.

I've always been an admirer of faux fur and have been cuddling up in fuzzy acrylic/polyester threads since the Sadie Hawkins dance in third grade. Back in '02 I attended the "Vanilla Sky" premiere clad in my favorite coat at the time: a faux fur, caramel colored, box-cut waist coat from Bebe. At some point during the after party, I told Cameron Crowe how badly I wanted to work for his production company, Vinyl Films. He told me to send a letter to the office and sign it "the girl with the great coat." I never did get to work for Vinyl but the fact that I was complimented by one of my favorite Directors for my sense of style makes up for not having that resume credit.

One scorching summer day in July, I was flipping through a Saks fall catalog and came across a vest that screamed at me from the glossy pages. It said, "pick me and not the $700 lambskin Vince vest." I hear you, Mr. Vest. I tore that noisy ad out and put it up on my bulletin board 'til I could actually rationalize spending $318 of my hard earned paper on a vest. That didn't take very long. I headed to Saks in Bev Hills several days later and all was right in my closet for fall '09.

I must say, my Joie faux fur vest has been getting a lot of heat lately. Everytime I wear it, someone either compliments me or tells me I look like a woolie mammoth. It never goes unspoken about and makes for a great conversation piece.

In"vest"ing this season is an absolute must whether you manage to find an RZ one (there's a wait list on QVC) or splurge on a different Designer like I did. And, in honor of my late sister Heather, I can be found several nights a week in my apartment wearing only my vest, undies and a beer...channeling my inner Penny Lane.

(Pictured above on Rachel Zoe is the vest by Joie sold at Saks Fifth Avenue and Bloomingdale's, $318. Below the two Joie vests is the Rachel Zoe Faux Fur Vest with Hook & Eye Closure in Red Fox available on QVC, $79.80.)

Sleep With Your Master

Anyone who knows me well (or has spent an evening with me) knows that I don't do sleepovers. In the past couple of years, I've adopted a more "love 'em and leave 'em" kind of attitude. Yes, I've had some failed relationships in my time and it's taken it's toll. But I can safely say that this practice isn't out of any sort of breakup bitterness. Perhaps I'm protecting myself a little bit but there's really much more to it.

I've always felt that the act of sleeping is a lot more personal than the act of sleeping with someone in the sexual sense. When you're having sex, you can be the best version of yourself. When you're sleeping, you are in your most vulnerable state and pretty much have zero control over your actions. You can't control if you drool, fart, or talk in your sleep. In the morning, your breath stinks, you have crap in your eyes, and you look totally disheveled.

The thing is, if you wake up next to me and I'm not feeling rested, you will be waking up alongside the spawn of Satan (especially if I haven't mainlined my coffee yet). It's not so much that I'm an ugly duckling in the morning; it's about how much I value and cherish my resting period. And, if anyone disrupts that, namely a boy sleeping next to me, I will likely resent them for as long as I know them. If I don't sleep well, I don't function.

My bedroom needs to be a sanctuary of sorts. I have an air purifier running, a sound machine with the rain function going, blackout shades, eye mask, night guard, and ear plugs. These are fondly referred to by my Mom and me as sleeping utencils. Often, I wake up in the morning and put my childhood blankie over my head to make it that much darker...and quieter. Most people, especially men, look at me as a freak of sleepytime nature.

I don't mind sharing this personal information with you because it's only a story in a silly little blog. What I mind is letting someone (i.e. one night stand) actually see me in my retainer-wearing splendor only to break up shortly after leaving my room and life with the visual of me in my most vulnerable state. So, I don't do sleepovers because that is a priviledge that one now has to earn--not a right. The next time I let a man sleep over, he will know that I must be in it for the long haul...or Hell hath frozen over.

On a recent trip to Iceland with my family, I developed total sleep mask envy. My sister was sporting this gorgeous mask that basically covered her entire head. No ray of sunshine or peep of noise was getting through that bad boy. It looked like a silky pillow was resting on her eyes and cheekbones. I wanted that mask; I had to have it.

Late one night when jet-lag had the worst of me, I sat in the hotel lobby with my laptop and ordered myself one of these bad boys online from Amazon. After all, it promises "total light elimination and built-in sound muffling." Are you kidding me? Amazing.

As much as I loved climbing that glacier, I could hardly wait to climb into my bed back home with my new mask for a test drive. I returned to LA late at night to find a brown box outside my door. Inside: a little slice of heaven.

Getting into bed after a long day of travel followed by a luxurious shower was amazing. I slipped into something more comfortable and became one with my mask. That night, I saw nothing. I heard nothing. I remember nothing and, by morning, I was a new woman. I will never sleep without my Sleep Master mask ever again. If anything were to get me to let a boy back in my bed, this mask would do the trick. I would be guaranteed a sound sleep.

So, the next time you find yourself beside someone in bed in that oh-so-vulnerable state, master the art of sleeping and buy yourself a Sleep Master mask.